Hello to all my expecting, new, and seasoned mamas out there!
First Month Back to Work from Maternity leave. I lay here writing this post soon after we as US citizens found out we won’t have paid maternity leave. Only one of eight countries in the world that doesn’t get this! Not to mention the length of the leave is absurd. But that’s another topic of discussion for another day. Lets jump right in!
I was brand new intern when I gave birth (August) I worked literally up to the day was in labor to savor every maternity leave day I could get. Actually went past my due date and ended up “losing” a few of my mat leave days (so crazy). I took 7 weeks off, which I know may seem like a lot but it’s not. It’s not a lot of time for anyone. I remember counting down the days of my maternity leave wondering when my sweet baby would get past her day night confusion, when would I stop sweating through my clothes at night, would I ever sleep again? Right after birth I could barely walk up the stairs without help or holding onto the railing.
Bathroom trips that use to take me 2 minutes easily turned into 20 that consisted of figuring out a way to pee out the gallons of water I was drinking without it being painful.
How could I go back to working over 80 hours a week breastfeeding around the clock and barely sleeping?
How could I leave my newborn for this long after we had spent every waking second over the last year together?! She was there with me (inside of me) through match day, graduating med school, and starting residency. These thoughts raced through my mind at times robbing my precious maternity leave time leaving me anxious and worried.
Still remember the last day it was just me, my baby, and my mom home just us because my husband started a new job and barely had any paternity leave (shoutout to America once again). I sat on the couch and snapped a photo of her and favorited it. I wanted to remember this moment just us two before I returned to work from maternity leave.
The morning of I woke up got dressed and watched my baby sleeping in her bassinet for a few before I headed out to leave her for my longest record since giving birth. I longed to hold her just one more time but I didn’t want to wake her from her peaceful sleep.
Overview
Driving into work from maternity leave that first day without her was hard. But thank god for my mom circle they set me up with amazing pod casts and audiobooks (linked here) You Are a F*cking Awesome Mom: So Embrace the Chaos, Get Over the Guilt, and Be True to You and Work. Pump. Repeat.: The New Mom’s Survival Guide to Breastfeeding and Going Back to Work. I listened to both and fell in LOVE with them. This helped to keep Me going I knew I wasn’t alone and my daughter would thank me one day.
I walked into work in the dark with my usual backpack and now and added accessory my pump bag. Little did I know I would be lugging both of those items around the hospital for many more months to come. I finally found the Internal medicine work room and hurried over to an empty seat to drop my stuff. There were two other female interns there with me on service who both were pleasant.
The first day seems
like a blur I remember running around the hospital trying to find my patients rooms to pre-round on them taking notes and trying to think of plans. Before I knew if it was time to put my pumps on thank God for my elvies (portable breast pump) and round.
Soon after rounds like typical medicine service we were back in the work room putting in orders typing notes and calling consults! I was so busy and overwhelmed with the fast paced environment that I honestly barely had time to even think about missing my baby.
A week into this routine my senior resident pulled me aside. I was worried what did I do? He asked what he could do to help me more and I sensed he knew I was struggling with this service. I was so embarrassed. They thought I was behind the rest of the interns. I was heartbroken and I cried. He knew part of what I was going through because he also had a new baby the same age at home.
I went home
and told my husband who encouraged me to reach out to any of my classmates who had already completed this rotation. So I did and I was honest about my experience. And guess what my classmate said that she too also struggled. I learned that this was an extremely hard rotation for anyone alone. Never mind coming back and this being your first rotation back from mat leave!! So I took her advice and my seniors advice and I put it to work. I put my head down and just got my work done. My Senior taught me how to be more efficient with my time I learned to use our EMR better and how to get my notes done faster. More importantly I made it through this experience. It may have been one of the most challenging things I’ve had to do in such a vulnerable state but I did it!
I don’t say any of this to scare new moms or even aspiring moms who will be in a similar position to me. I’m just sharing my honest thoughts and experiences. Now I’ll share some tip that I think could be helpful for those going back to work especially those are in residency or a demanding job like mine:
Build your mom village
Find new moms and hold onto them. Find more seasoned moms and do the same. I don’t mean just go to anyone but go to ppl who you trust who won’t make you feel guilty or say they have never fed their baby a cold bottle because they were too tired to heat it up, fallen asleep while nursing, or even fed their kid cheese only for dinner. They will be your rock through this new experience.
- Advocate for yourself. Look I know this can be hard especially someone who’s more shy or reserved like I am. It’s hard as heck but you deserve the best and you need to stick up for you! If I could go back I definitely would NOT have put medicine as my first rotation back from mat leave. If your in a similar situation reach out to senior residents find out about the rotations which ones are lighter vs. harder so you can try choose the order that’s best for you.
Your a great mom
- Tell yourself that everyday. Everything you do will not be easy but those little eyes are always looking and idolizing you for being YOU.
- It’s okay to struggle. I was so embarrassed that I was having a hard time on that medicine rotation but you know what of course I would have a hard time it was CHALLENGING for anyone alone. I was a brand new intern coming back to work with more seasoned interns who had their flow and systems down pact. Of course I would be behind. I was not set up for success. I remember thinking I wouldn’t be a great Anesthesiologist. You know what I am becoming a great anesthesiologist and despite my struggle. Anesthesia is totally different from intern year. I look back now and laugh that I thought my pre-rounding skills would make me a better doctor in the OR. NOT TRUE.
- It’s ok to ask for help. As a mom we want to do everything. But we are only human we can’t! We also need help too. Whether your struggling with your tasks at work or need help making time for yourself at home. Please reach out mama it only takes a second of being uncomfortable for a lifetime of relief.
To all my moms out there. You got this. You are amazing. And keep ongoing.